Pale Gurl – Advice Your Parents Never Gave You Because They Were Drunk
Parents are supposed to prepare their children for the future. They are responsible for instilling values, teaching them right from wrong and sharing knowledge that will help their children to maneuver through life’s many obstacles. I thought my parents did a good job advising me on the ways of the world until I reached my thirties and realized that they left out a lot of information. I began seeing cracks in my foundation and the foundation of those around me. This discovery left me feeling confused, afraid and angry. However, rather than blaming my parents for my ignorance to the world around me, I put myself in their shoes. I recommend you also do this if you too begin to realize that there is so much out there that your parents never warned/taught/told you about. It helps to consider the following: A) Maybe your parents never intended to be parents. Maybe the Trojan Man missed the party that night and they just did the best they could. B) Maybe your parents find that watching you stumble through life has been more entertaining than any television show that has ever aired. Even the new season of Mad Men. or C) Maybe your parents were never sober long enough to string together a coherent sentence, let alone prepare you for the world. It is only when we consider these logical explanations that we might be able to move forward, learn and take control of our own destinies. In the meantime, I would like to offer up some life “advice.”
The opinions stated below are sarcastic, snarky and may be filled with too much sass for your frass. Reader discretion is advised.
For the Ladies:
1) One of the worst things an adult woman can do is to communicate in a cutesy/whiny baby voice. Some women think this baby voice helps them get what they want because it’s cute, but let me tell you – baby talk is not cute. Not even when babies do it. Adult women who purposely speak in squeaky baby voices are worse than being locked in a room and forced to watch Paris Hilton’s 2008 movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.”
2) Don’t use tanning beds. Tanning beds decrease brain function and kill rainbows. Now, I’m not saying this just because I lack pigmentation in my skin and am unable to get tan. I’m saying this because my pet bunny was eaten by a tanning bed.
3) Guys will cheat on you. Even the religious ones. Now I’m not saying that all the men you date will cheat, but I guarantee at least one will. And when that happens, you will be surprised, hurt, feel fat, maybe take him back for a brief period of time and then have trust issues for eternity. It’s a fun cycle. That’s why God invented therapy and Klonopin. Take advantage of God’s great gifts.
4) If you are outspoken and smart, some guys will call you the B-word. If you are quiet and reserved, some guys will call you the B-word. If you are promiscuous, some guys will call you the B-word. If you are saving yourself for the reincarnation of Corey Haim (like I am), some guys will call you the B-word. Moral of this story: You’re not a B-word. Some men just have very small vocabularies and are angry every second of the day that they are forced to keep their hands out of their pants.
5) There are rules when you are in a public restroom. a) Don’t leave the toilet unflushed. I understand your want to run out of there as quickly as possible so that you can forget what happened in there as soon as possible, but first turn around and flush. b) Don’t talk on your cell phone. The restroom is a sacred place where women have been pretending not to do anything in for centuries. Don’t make it more uncomfortable for the rest of us than it already is. c) Don’t talk to each other through stalls. None of the ladies in the restroom care that you lost 25 pounds on the HCG diet. Even the friend you are telling in the stall next to you doesn’t care. We’re all thinking, “I wonder if she has any of that human growth hormone in her purse and could we successfully wrestle her for it?” d) Don’t make noises. Do you really need attention that badly? Zip it with the humming, heavy breathing, whistling and loud sighs. e) Don’t leave the restroom without washing your hands. Just remember that every time your hands go unwashed, Criss Angel gets another poor girl to hook up with him. Do you really want to be responsible for that?
6) Females always hate the prettiest girl in the room. Even if we don’t know you. It’s just girl code. If that’s you, don’t fret. At least you can go home and cry into a mirror while staring at your gorgeous face while the rest of us must shower with the lights off.
7) Don’t waste your time cyber-bullying your teenage daughter’s frenemies. You’re an adult so act like one. Instead, cyber-bully your husband’s girlfriend. She’s the one who has been driving your Camry when you are out of town.
8) Don’t join a book club under the guise that you just love reading. We all know these groups should really be called, “No one else will hang out with us so I guess we’ll pretend to read together” groups.
9) Many men out there will try to split the check with you while out on dates. This may catch you off guard, but you must NEVER agree to go Dutch or pick up the entire tab. That just perpetuates the stereotype that women are bad at math.
For the Guys:
1) Between 18-23 years old - it’s expected for you to be the loud, belligerent guy at the party, but once you hit 24 years old, it’s over. It is then that you must put down the 40oz of Natty Ice, retire your outside voice and brush your teeth. If you start brushing your teeth as much as you drink, you’ll get a job. Maybe for a company like Crest who offer excellent benefits. And there’s nothing sexier to a woman than a guy with full dental coverage.
2) Violence is bad, but can also be the solution to many serious issues. These issues include: bankruptcy, health-care reform, addiction and obesity. Examples: a)“If you smoke one more cigarette, I’m going to punch you in the face!” or b) “I’d like to pay off the entire balance on my 29.99 percent interest rated credit card with a drop-kick to your mouth.” Problems solved.
3) Don’t get married until you are ready. Basically that means, you should get married when you are out of shape, desperate and/or develop some kind of chronic syndrome that requires daily assistance. Sure your current lady-friend may say, “If you don’t marry me soon, I’m out.” However, she probably won’t actually leave. We women say this sort of thing all the time and never really mean it. Instead of leaving, she’ll probably stop being intimate with you and blame you for why she is unhappy everyday, which is what I hear happens in marriage anyway so why add a contract on top of that?
4) Don’t ever wear a form-fitting white ribbed tank top shirt in public. You are only to be seen in this type of attire under two circumstances. 1) When starring in an episode of Cops or 2) If you are asked by Petey Pablo to take your shirt off, twist it around your head and spin it like a helicopter. Click the link below for a better explanation.
5) Dream big, but within reason. There is a zero to slim chance that you will ever be in the NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB, MENSA, B2K or the ACLU. Instead keep your dreams more realistic. There is a good chance that you could be in the NRA and/or jail.
6) Don’t talk about working out. Women don’t care to hear about your workout regimen. We just want you to look good, pay off our student loans and pretend to care when we are telling you a 37 minute story about a woman in spin class who wears only her sports bra and a pair of short shorts and how offensive that is.
7) Don’t overly groom your eyebrows. If your arch becomes higher than mine, our relationship will end in no time.
8) Women will cheat on you. Even the woman you met at church who sends you 72 text messages a day that say, “I love you.” Now that doesn’t mean every woman you date will cheat on you, but I guarantee at least one will. And when that happens you’ll immediately try (unsuccessfully) to replace her. You will also tell all of your friends and family that being cheated on was actually the best thing that ever happened to you because it’s turned you into a gym rat. You’ll tell them that you now spend all your time at the gym feeling the burn instead of the heartbreak. However, in reality, you go home every night alone and eat a couple boxes of Velveeta Shells and Cheese, watch episodes from season 4 of Felicity and cry into “Sassy,” the cat you just adopted.
9) Don’t tan in a tanning bed. When a guy tans in a tanning bed, it sends the wrong message. It screams: “I’m that guy who wears a Bluetooth in each ear and my Facebook profile picture is of me holding guitar that I don’t know to play.
It is my hope that my “advice” will be Tweeted and then Retweeted by at least two people. It is then that I will know that I’ve made a difference. Thanks for reading!