Four of my five children

“You have how many children?”  This is one of the first questions I am asked when people meet me. Five. I have five children. Not twenty. Not forty two. Five. Trying to send your children home with me won’t work, either. I will notice. Especially since I drive a seven passenger van, not a school bus.

It doesn’t help my case when I mention that we also homeschool.While many people are supportive,I have heard statements which are — special.Below,are some of the more memorable questions and statements I have heard over the years.

On having a large family:

  •  “Five children? Do they have different fathers?”

They do all have the same father. To be honest, though, I am beginning to become suspicious about if I am really their mother.

  •  Do you know what causes that?         

Yes. I do. Are you asking me to explain it to you?

  •  Have you heard of the Duggars?

Yes, I have.  No, we are nothing like the Duggars.Remember where I said I have five children, not twenty?

The first time I read about the Duggars and how organized their children are,I spent the rest of the day in tears.Meanwhile, my younger boys took this opportunity to conduct an impromptu experiment that involved a full box of baking soda and a full bottle of vinegar, in hopes of creating the world’s biggest experimental volcano.

  •  At least, you have someone to take care of you when you get old.

Maybe. My children have already discussed it.They think they can trade off on me living with them, but they are still in negotiations about their father.  They’re afraid he’s going to eat all their food,  run around naked and buy Legos,  just so he can spread them throughout their houses. He has already told them that is his plan.

On homeschooling:

  •  I couldn’t possibly homeschool. My children need to socialize.

This statement stands out,because it’s always made when my children are playing. Some days I want to say, “It makes them more grateful when I let them out of the basement.”

  •  How can you stand to be around your children all day?

I can’t. That’s why I hide in my office whenever I get the chance. Sometimes I even run away from home to socialize.

  •  You’re home all day. You have time. I’m just too busy.

I am a freelance writer, teach my children, referee fights so they don’t turn into boxing matches, make sure my house remains standing and still manage to have time to talk to you. I am so glad I am not as busy as you are.

No matter how big or small your family is, I am sure you have heard many different statements about your parenting choices. What are the most ridiculous comments you have heard?