Now that we’ve all had over a week to obsess about and fully process the latest Miley Cyrus “Party in the USA,” I think we can all look at her performance at MTV’s Video Music Awards with a bit more clarity. There’s a method to this pop star’s “madness” and if we’ve learned anything at all, it’s that Americans have an often unhealthy obsession with celebrities. We build them up, only to tear them down and “We can’t stop. And we won’t stop.” So here are my thoughts on “MileyGate” and the twerking Teddy Bear tongue that rocked a nation!
1. What’s the big deal? If anything, she just proved to be a true American. Nothing screams USA like half-naked pop stars dancing like skanks.
2. Crazy hair, rubbing your body on strangers and being surrounded by furry stuff, it’s all just a recycled version of a late 80’s/early 90’s “club kid.” Watch the movie, Party Monster for more info.
3. She has single-handedly revived the foam finger industry.
4. I think we can all agree that Billy Ray Cyrus and his mulleted “Achy Breaky
5. At least now that Miley has started twerking, the twerking movement is officially dead. The former Disney star successfully took any cool away from what I’ve heard was once a pretty happening dance in the hip hop community.
6. Miley’s performance confirmed what we’ve long assumed, Teddy Bears are easily influenced dopeheads. That explains years of what appears to be Acid/LSD-induced “Care Bear Stares” AND bears allowing others to decide their fate via Build A Bear stores.
7. For one whole week, Miley made us forget about the Kardashians. You should really be thanking her.
8. Her performance proved that young women are already or may soon be embracing the nude granny panties of the past.
9. Maybe now parents will be more thoughtful when naming their children. Dr. Miley? Detective Miley? Mother Miley? Nope. With a name like Miley, this was all inevitable.
10. People who are thrilled about Miley’s performance: Lindsay Lohan, President Obama and all those racist cast members on this season’s, “Big Brother.” She took the heat off of them. So if you think about it, she took one for the team.
11. It’s not Miley’s fault, she’s at that age where she’s attracted to weird things – like Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice
13. At least she isn’t pulling an Amanda Bynes Twitter-tyrade
14. Come on guys! It was just one weird performance. She’s not evil. It’s not like she’s high fructose corn syrup or Chris Brown.
15. Miley’s performance proved that just because a gal has a VPL (Visible Panty Line), that doesn’t mean that she should hide it. Thongs aren’t for everyone…unless you’re Lady Gaga and then they are worn as pants.
16. Maybe now people will stop referring to Hannah Montana as an actual person. She was a fictional character on a Disney television show. That character may live on in your hearts, but she’s about as real as my nose, Snooki’s teeth and JWoww’s boobs…all of which are fake by the way.
17. I’ve seen people posting comments on YouTube like, “Poor Robin Thicke. He’s married.” Umm…watch the video. He seems to be willingly grinding right along behind Miley. It takes to two to make the twerk go right. It takes two to make the twerk out of sight.
18. Fact: Miley is actually wearing similar and/or more clothing than almost all of the women in Robin Thicke’s actual “Blurred Lines” music video. Robin also looks pretty comfortable getting rather close in proximity to these women as well.
Check it out:
19. This “controversy” is a tale as old as time and a song as old as rhyme – Remember Britney Spears’ memorable “comeback” at the VMAs, Janet Jackson’s Superbowl “Boobiegate,” Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” VMA stage humping or Cher’s “Turn Back Time” video? All were controversial at their time and are now just laughable.
Now let’s all just get over it! Miley should never be held to the standard of role model. She’s just another little girl whose parents sold her to Hollywood at a very young age and now as a young adult, she’s trying to find her identity on television while wearing her underpants.
And if you are one of the .5 Americans who have not yet seen Miley Cyrus ‘s performance, here it is…
Enjoy it or hate it, either way, she’s making more money than all of us and that is the true crime in all of this.