I’m single and I’ve found the older I get the more selective I become. I am seriously sick of going on date after date, feeling my sanity ripped from me one cheesy pick up line at a time. So I’ve jumped on the online dating bandwagon, not by choice but out of necessity. I fear I am one bad date away from becoming “that girl” You know the one who keeps to herself, eats gallons of ice cream, home alone on a Friday night while knitting sweaters for her six cats. I refuse, I am far too fabulous for that life.

Online dating is like a beautiful train wreck. It is the incredibly bizarre married to a significant confidence booster. I’ve been called pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, insanely hot, sexy (ew) and an “angel that fell from heaven” (puke) I’m feeling really great about my physical appearance. I’m totally vain now and I feel as though I’ve got it goin’ on! (sarcasm at it’s finest, folks) This may shock you but I’ve received over 300 emails in 24 hours! Most of which, sucked. Only 2 men have caught my eye with their witty attempt to pique my interest. I’ve taken the liberty and jotted down a few “suggestions” for the men that may be reading this. I would highly recommend taking this into consideration and forwarding this little nugget of insanely valuable information to your man friends. This could help with all avenues of dating, not just for the internet super highway.

– Make sure to spell everything correctly on your profile. I’m a writer, so I probably pay more attention to spelling and grammar than most people, but I feel that you appear incredibly uneducated if you can’t spell correctly. If you’re not even paying enough attention to detail to proofread your online dating profile, then how are you going to pay adequate enough attention to a partner? Just a thought.

– Men, write something of substance when initiating a first contact email with a woman. If your subject line says “hi” or “hello” I’m going to assume that you’re boring and lack creativity. In which case, I’m not interested. Simply emailing to say “What’s up” is not acceptable. I don’t want to be approached like one of your bro’s. I’m a lady and you should treat me as such. If you’re asking me if I want to meet in you in your first email…the answer is “HELL NO!” We know absolutely nothing about each other! I’m going to make an educated guess and assume you’re either just wanting to have sex or kill me…perhaps both. Either way, it’s not going to happen. I feel like this is common sense, but you never know.

– Don’t send me an email just to tell me that all vegetarian chicks have issues. This is why you’re single and probably has a lot to do with why you’re on an online dating website. I’m assuming this is also why your profile says “I guess I’m back.” Really, weird…because you’re such a dynamic person! NOT. If you’re concerned about something in a woman’s profile, then don’t initiate contact with her. This is also known as a “Red Flag.” I don’t feel the need to elaborate further.

– Airing your dirty sexual laundry in “public” is super creepy. Writing about your specific fetish that happens to be incredibly freaking creepy is…well, incredibly freaking creepy. I get that you’re warning us before we get involved in a conversation with you, but WOW. Don’t they have specific fetish websites for this? This particular individual also requests that his lady friend not have any guy friends, will only spend her time with him, never drink a drop of alcohol (this where I started laughing), live with him right away, and never leave his side. Good luck, buddy. Somewhere out there is an insecure, super codependent girl with daddy issues, who has your name written all over her…literately, she will most likely tattoo your name on her body. Whew, I’m glad I dodged that bullet.

– Calling me sexy before we’ve done the nasty is considered an indignity, or so it is in my eyes. I am more than just a rockin’ body with awesome boobs and a great ass (I told you, online dating has made me vain). If you don’t know me, approach me with respect. Women have been singing about this for years, men. Get a clue.

– The bathroom mirror, cell phone photo, with your shirt off is great (not), but try to post some pictures that aren’t a blatant display of your results from “The Situations” work out plan. Also, if all of your pictures are clearly taken by you then I am going to go ahead and assume you have no friends, thus having no real life. Let your personality shine through in your picture selection. I want to see a guy who is dynamic and has a wide array of interest…and friends. I can’t commit to a guy who no friends. Stage 5 clinger, anyone?

Still wading. . .