Dear Linda…Easing up on Ego

Linda Gellman Levin holds a dual Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education and in Special Education.  In this new exclusive SmartFem column Linda will address your tough questions on the difficult and important job of raising children.  askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda,

My oldest is four and I’ve always made sure to tell him how proud I am of him and tried to make him feel empowered even if he didn’t do something very well. Then, if I see he has room for improvement I give him an “idea to try next time” so he can focus on areas to better himself. Lately I’ve noticed he is very convinced that he is already great at the things he does. He is so convinced that he sounds cocky. I’m concerned because he starts school next year and I’m afraid the other kids will tease him and burst his bubble. Do you have any suggestions on how to prevent a major heart break in my little boy? —Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

First of all, your child is in an ego-centric stage of life, developmentally. That means he sees himself as the center of the universe. It is difficult for him to acknowledge that he may not be successful in a task. My suggestions are:

-   Watch out for suggesting anything negative about his character (i.e. being a good/bad/naughty boy). Praise him for accomplishing things such as good listening skills, following the rules, putting his toys away, etc.

-   Discuss what he is working on at that time, such as, if he throws a ball, you might suggest, “Show me how to roll a ball!” Then throw the ball with your right hand and show him which hand is his right hand. If he is doing a painting or doing an art project, don’t suggest it is “wonderful” or “fantastic.” Ask your son to tell you about the painting. This will help him express himself without it being about good/bad, right/wrong, etc.

-   Four year olds may share or brag about themselves at this stage of life. Don’t be so concerned about other kids teasing him, so much as modeling situations for him and working on that for now.

-   I would suggest that you might want to read more about four and five year olds developmentally.

Please send your questions to Linda via email at

askLinda@SmartFem.com

 

Dear Linda…From Picky Eaters to Boys and Barbies

Linda Gellman Levin holds a dual Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education and in Special Education.  In this new exclusive SmartFem column Linda will address your tough questions on the difficult and important job of raising children.  askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda,

My preschooler is a picky eater and I am worried she is not eating enough. What tips or suggestions do you have? — Danielle, Mother of a preschooler, Phoenix AZ.

Dear Danielle,

Set up a consistent time and place every day for nutritional meals. Please do not chase your child around the room with food as if it’s a game. Give a variety of foods to taste and try that are low in fat and high in nutrition like fruits, vegetables, and protein. Try to stay away from fast foods and high calorie or sugar items. Even if your child just tastes one item at a time, you do not want to not make it into a power struggle or a stressful experience..

As a parent, I used to hide the vegetables into soups, mashed potatoes, and meats. I also tried to be fun and creative by making a pancake and put blueberries, bananas, or strawberries into smiley faces. Look for recipes that are creative and make it an enjoyable meal. Review with your health care provider about the proper height and weight for your child.

Is it ok if my pre-school age son plays with his sister’s dolls? — John , father of two children, Gilbert, AZ.

Dear John,

During this developmental stage, children observe others in play and imitate the same behaviors. A doll can represent a baby or child that may one day help them with nurturing their sibling, friend, or eventually parenting his or her own child.  By exploring through play, preschoolers need to learn how to be gentle, kind, caring, and nurturing. Preschoolers believe that sex differences are based on appearances or behaviors not biological factors. A boy may think he can turn into a girl or a girl may think she can be a daddy one day. Not until a child is 4 or 5 years old are they able to understand Gender Constancy, which means people are permanently male or female.

My daughter is not always kind to other children at her preschool program. When do children learn to the meaning of empathy? — Barb, Mother of a 4 year old, Scottsdale, AZ

Dear Barb,

Empathy, according to Developmentalists, develops at an early age. Even one year old infants will cry if they hear another infant crying. A 2 or 3 year old child will offer you a hug, present, or want to share something with you, such as a toy if you are feeling sad or upset (ZAHN-WEXLER AND RADKE-YARROW, 1990). Event throughout the preschool years, empathy and other emotions, like sympathy and admiration, will begin to develop.

 

Please send your questions for Linda via email to askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda…Linda Tackles Mother-Daughter Relationships

Linda Gellman Levin holds a dual Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education and in Special Education.  In this new exclusive SmartFem column Linda will address your tough questions on the difficult and important job of raising children.  askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda,

I have problems relating to my teenage daughter, we always seem to be in some type of conflict on a weekly basis. Do you have any advice?

Diane, Scottsdale, AZ

 

Dear Diane,

Mother-daughter relationships can be very complex, emotional, and diverse. The culture, religion, and country we are born in can shape our values, attitudes, and beliefs systems. If our mother worked or was a stay-at home mother it can also affect how we role-modeled or shaped our daughters. Each generation and the history of the impact of the Feminist movement, TV, movies, books, newspapers, and magazines impact our body image and sexuality.

Some relationships are very close while others experience hurt, disappointment, poor communication, jealousy, or competition. After conducting workshops on mother/daughter relationships for middle school and high school ages and also being a mother of two daughters, I read and researched some ideas and suggestions from Margarita Tartakovsky M.S. article on 15 Insights On Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships.

 

Here are some suggestions from myself and other professionals:

• Change yourself rather than your daughter. Change your reactions and responses.

• I feel it’s important to be pro-active versus reactive. Take a time out and think before you speak because you might feel so emotionally charged YOU might react angrily and say something that you will regret.

• Create realistic expectations. Margarita feels that as young children we think a mother will be nurturing and present on a continual basis. This idealistic expectation may not always be present.

• “Make the first move so the relationship does not get stuck,” stated Linda Mittle PHD. She wants you to think about how you feel and what you can do to change.

•  I feel that as a working mother, it was important that I apologized to my daughters when I was tired or in a bad mood

• Try to communicate in a constructive manner not destructive. It is so important to share thoughts and feelings in a positive way instead of a harsh or negative tone of voice. Ask open ended questions such as, “Tell me three interesting things you learned in some of your classes,” or ask her how to do something that you never learned in school.

• Become an active listener or empathic listener. COHEN-SANDLER said that when you reflect back what your daughter said, then she is being heard and you understand her and her feelings.

• Try to remember what it is like to be a young girl or teen. Think about what you went through with your appearance, intelligence, body image, school work, sports etc. Although we were raised in a different generation, try to respect and understand her generation but still guide her in a calm and respectful way.

•  Use “I” statements about how you feel without attacking her and her character, by saying things like. “I feel hurt when you speak to me in a rude tone of voice,” or “Let’s take a break and re-group and talk later.” Try not to bring up the past and rehash old arguments.

• Respect each other’s boundaries. If you want time to talk, set up a schedule that works for both of you. If you are on the phone, let your daughter know when you can come into her room to talk and vice versa. Do not walk into her room without knocking first. Ask each other if it’s a good time to talk.

Do not bring in third parties like dad or another sibling to work out your issues. Go to a counselor if you need additional guidance. 

Please send your questions to Linda via email at

askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda…

Linda Gellman Levin holds a dual Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education and in Special Education.  In this new exclusive SmartFem column Linda will address your tough questions on the difficult and important job of raising children.  askLinda@SmartFem.com

Dear Linda,

Why is it if you have two children raised in the same house, with all the same privileges, that they can be remarkably different? — Lisa, a mother and RN (Phoenix, AZ)

This is a puzzling question and very interesting to families. First of all, we are all born with different personalities, traits, temperaments, intelligence, and health issues that can be either similar or different from our siblings. Looking at three generations on both sides of the families can affect our DNA and can contribute to our abilities, looks, athletic traits, artistic, intelligent quotients, musical, learning styles, or mental health.

Even though we think we are giving our children the same opportunities or privileges or parenting styles, that doesn’t necessary mean our children will react the same way or experience it in the same emotional state. What we say to one child may be heard differently with another child. We need to know that we are all different people even though we came from the same parents, and we need to be parented in a different parenting style than the other sibling in order to feel loved and cared for.

What is the best Parenting Style when disciplining a child? — Denise, mother of two daughters (Paradise Valley, AZ)

According to the research by Diana Baumrind, the best style of parenting is called ‘AUTHORITATIVE ‘ OR DEMOCRATIC. Parents make reasonable demands on their child, and they enforce them by setting rules, setting limits, and insisting that the child obey. At the same time they express warmth and affection, listen patiently to the child’s point of view, and encourage the child to participate in family decision-making.

Do you think spanking a child is the right form of discipline? — Ken, father of three small children (Glendale AZ)

Child Psychologists have various views on spanking. Most research indicates that spanking teaches a child to be aggressive and violent, and that it does not teach a young child the true meaning of his/her actions. Spanking is often a release for the parent who feels frustrated and unable to cope with the young child’s behavior. I feel a “ time out”(depending on the age) can be effective and parents can also take a time out to think before being reactive. Giving two choices and re-directing a child to do something else, like not touching something and taking them into another room and giving them a toy instead to play with, can be effective. It’s praising a child for appropriate behavior instead of telling them when they are always acting out.

Please send your questions to Linda via email at

askLinda@SmartFem.com

Finding the Right Words

It is frightening and sad to watch the news and hear horrific stories about children and teachers being killed in our schools. Who could do such a terrible thing to our precious children and teachers?

We all want to understand and know why this happens. As parents, educators, counselors and members of the community, we are left with uncertainties as to how we speak to our children about these shootings and feeling safe in an unsafe world.

Coming from the perspective of a Child Development Specialist, it is a good idea when you are talking to your child to make sure you use age-appropriate words. Words like “violence,” “mental illness,” “gun regulations,” and other expressions may need to be used in a more basic way. An example would be: “People who are bullies may want to get back at other people because they were bullied themselves or mean to them.”

Here are some tips and suggestions for talking to children about school shooting;

• Some children may be hesitant or not able to initiate this type of conversation. As a parent you may want to ask your child if they feel safe at school, home, or in public places.

• If they have difficulty expressing themselves then have the child draw a picture, paint, or role-play their feelings. This could be an easier way for some children to express their emotions.

• If your child asks you why someone wanted to kill so many children, it is alright to admit that you don’t really know. It is important to tell them that this does not happen very often. Express your feelings about sadness or fear for the families and discussing what you can do to help.

• Never negate or minimize your child’s feelings, so validate them instead. Use phrases like, “This must make you feel sad,” and “Let’s talk about your feelings.”

• Some children will not want to go to school. Talk about the school’s safety plans and procedures. Discuss fire drills, lining up to go outside, hiding under desks, etc.

• Also make sure you review your own safety plans for an emergency at home and how to get out. Review Stranger Danger situations, such as not letting any one in at home, who to call, emergency numbers and so on.

There are behavioral signs to recognize in young children when they experience a violent situation. Some children start wetting the bed, crying more often, thumb sucking and having problems sleeping alone.

Teens may also exhibit fears or behaviors after an frightening situation such as not wanting to return to school, grades dropping, withdrawing from the family, fearful dreams, using drugs and alcohol or becoming more argumentative.

You may need to take your child to a professional to receive help.

Empower your child with problem solving strategies such as if you hear or see bullying at your school or cyber bullying then report it to a counselor, teacher, principal, or parent to address the issue immediately. If you hear about an eating disorder, contact a nurse or counselor. If your child has a friend wanting to commit suicide then tell an adult close to them or a professional to get help.

Maintain an ongoing dialogue with your kids… Not just when it has to do with a crisis.

“Helicoptering” Your Child May Do More Harm Than Good

The term helicopter parent appeared in the literature as early as 1969 when Dr. Haim Ginott wrote a book entitled “Between Parent and Teenagers,” when a teen complained that her mother hovers over her like a helicopter. The American Colleges of Administrators began using the term in the early 2000s.

Parents were calling their children at colleges to wake them up for classes and complaining to professors that their child’s grades were not fair. Also, children who attended camps reported complaints from baby boomer parents about their children’s unhappiness, activities, and that their child’s needs were not meet etc.

Professor Mullendore from the University of Georgia believed that cell phones, computers, and modern technology make our lives with our children, “the longest umbilical chord. Many of our students will call their parent, talk to their mother and father four and five times a day. A day.” It’s about too much presence or being “hyper present” and the “confusion of over involvement,” according to Madeline Levine.

In early childhood, well-educated parents are playing Mozart to their unborn child in utero. Parents are obsessing over peanut allergies, doing their child’s projects or homework, hiring tutors who are overly involved in their grades, worried about SAT score, and choice of colleges. College educated parents, according to research, want to pass on their knowledge, talents, and skills on to their children to help them be successful. This is not a negative aspect of being well educated, it is just different from the working class or poor income families who just want to provide food, shelter, and comfort and view their children development as unfolding. Dr. Gail Saltz believes that to build resilience, a child must fall down and experience frustration tolerance. As an important part of Child Development Saltz believes that children need to fail, feel pain, and learn life lessons.

 

I believe that Dr. Gail Saltz is right; we cannot always rescue our children and make everything alright. We need to teach them responsibility, hard work and problem solving skills so they can learn to make healthy choices and be self sufficient people. As parents we need to look at our own needs and relationships with our children. We need to think and reflect if we are really helping our child or teaching them how to rely on us to solve their problems and make everything perfect so they will not suffer. We all love our children and want to give them so much, especially if we did not have an easy life. If we always buy them things instead of teaching them to earn it through hard work, chores and jobs, they will never learn the value of a dollar.

The answer is how to find a balance and do both: To be a parent who is emotionally there for their child, and supports them in their endeavors with unconditional love.

High Self Esteem Starts with Parenting

Self esteem is vital to our development in order to feel confident, healthy, and successful in life.

Having a healthy and secure attachment to a caregiver from birth to two years is critical. According to research by psychologist Eric Erickson, a loving, caring, and attentive caregiver can help create a trusting relationship with a child.  These are the building blocks for the child’s perspective of the world in terms of having a healthy bond and a secure relationship instead of insecure.

Trustworthy and secure relationships extend to how our parent also mirrored us. Mirroring is the way they smiled, said positive words, kissed us, hugged us, praised our accomplishments no matter how small, and helped us believe that we are worthy and special.

Parenting is a key role that impacts a child’s self esteem. If our parents were too strict and very militant this can make a child feel afraid of the parent and they may not want to make a mistake or share feelings. If a parent is too permissive and wants to be a friend and not guide a child, then he or she might not respect authority.

If a parent implements rules that are age-appropriate with love, then a child feels safe and can talk to their parent in a healthy way. Loving a child and offering choices are important parts of parenting. Loving unconditionally is the key to success.

What are some ways to help build a child’s self esteem?                     

• Try not to criticize your child if they do something wrong by putting them down. Use constructive criticism instead of destructive criticism, i.e. If a child spills their milk, a parent might say “Oh you accidently spilled your milk,” instead of saying, “ You are so clumsy.”
• Spend time playing together such as a fun time in the park, a board game, a hike, etc.
• Instead of always talking, learn to be a good listener.
• Reward your child. Give stickers, verbal praise or hi-fives for helping at home, school success, babysitting, good manners, listening, being kind, sports, and anything they do that is positive.
• Talk about a time when you as a parent you made a mistake or poor choice growing up. This is important so your child can come to you and share their mistake. You must help them learn to problem solve.
• When you give a “time out” or a discipline your child, do not attack their character. Talk about the behavior such as not listening, hurting a sibling, not turning in their work etc.
• Put their art work on the walls or anything they do well in as a reminder that you are very proud of them.
• Stop nagging, instead have a white board that is a schedule for chores or assignments as a reminder to look at and check off.
• Invite their friends over so you get to know who they are playing with and the influence they have on them.
• Encourage your child to feel comfortable opening up and discussing things with you, by listening instead of judging.
• Allow your child to learn from valuable lessons. Read books to them that contain life lessons and family values.

All parents make mistakes if they are stressed out. Apologize to your child if you lost your temper and try some of these helpful suggestions to create a home environment that is kind, loving, secure, honest, and supportive. Good Luck!

If You Won’t Do It For Yourself….Do It For Your Children!

It is apparent that many adults are simply complacent about protecting their identity.  Despite all the evidence of people who have their lives ruined by a single instance of  identity theft, the general feeling remains “It’ll never happen to me!”

Well, it is time to consider one of the fastest growing targets of identity thieves….YOUR CHILDREN!

Consider the true story of Olivia McNamara who wanted to obtain her first credit card after graduating from high school.  She simply wanted to establish a credit history, only to find out that identity thieves had beat her to it.  The banks were not cooperating and neither were the credit bureaus.  After securing the services of an identity theft company they finally found the source of the problem.  Olivia’s social security number had been stolen 10 years prior and other people had used it to secure loans in the millions.  Her credit was destroyed by a series of defaults on loans taken in her own name.
Over the past several years there have been hundreds of thousands of kids’ social security number stolen and used for all kinds of illegal purposes.  They often don’t find out until they finally ask for credit of their own.

There is nothing identity thieves won’t do to access your child’s information.  A horrible case was uncovered last May in Florida when the parents of an (8) eight year old girl were told that her social security number had been used…. After her recent death from cancer.  Thwarting their ability to collect a tax return properly.

Take action NOW.  Protect your children and their identity!!!

SmartFem offers families the most comprehensive, cost effective protection with the nation’s best identity theft offering.

Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety can occur before the age of one year. It is a normal part of development when a child is separated from their parent or Caregiver. Some of the signs of Separation Anxiety are temper tantrums, crying, and being clingy. Babies and children reach out to hold onto a parent that is with them on an ongoing basis and may become frighten by a stranger or new person that they do not have a close relationship with. Having a consistent babysitter or caregiver which the child has an attachment to is vital. Starting a new sitter early in their development or a relative can help with this transition.

Temperament can play an important role when a preschooler goes to school or daycare. If a baby is inherently shy, then the child will need extra time, patience, support, and help to separate from the parent. The school may need to work one on one with the parent, teacher, and administration to ease the child. If the problem continues, a professional may be helpful to talk to.

Some of the common causes of Separation Anxiety in children may be related to Stress in the home, loss of a loved one, pet dying, moving to a new home or new school, or a divorce.

Sometimes over protective parents that have their own anxiety can feed of one another and this can make matters more difficult when saying goodbye. Some children will worry that mom or dad may not come back and they are afraid to be alone. Some may feel that a parent will get sick or hurt and that creates worry. Select children even have bad dreams about losing their parent.

Tips and Strategies

Leave your child for brief periods of time with a babysitter so that you can practice separating from one another. Make sure the sitter or teacher is good with your child and is warm, loving, and caring.

Remember to have your child fed and take naps before taking them to a daycare, school, or a sitter’s home.

It is important to have the same ritual of saying goodbye each time, such as a goodbye kiss, hug, or a wave.

Have your child bring a familiar toy, or object to school or the daycare that they already feel attached to.

If you keep stalling or hanging around after you say goodbye, it will make it worse. Leave right away.

The night before do not allow your child to reach a scary book, watch a scary show or movie. Make sure it is a happy story with a happy ending.

Have the morning breakfast be a relaxing time and not stressful. Talk about what they are going to do, play with, or activities for their program. Reassure them that you will pick them up and what you will do after school.

Let them share their feelings with you and be a good listener by supporting them if a friend hurt their feelings, or a child took a toy, or someone hurt them on the playground.

I hope some of these ideas and tips will help you with your child.

 

Helping Our Children With Childhood Fears

Is it normal for children to have fears?

Yes, fear is a normal part of childhood.  Fear is important in keeping us safe and secure. Our brains are wired to protect us from danger so it can be evolutionary in nature.

Some fears that infants and toddlers have are;

• Loud noises or sudden movement
• Fear of strangers even if it’s a relative or family member
• Separation from caregiver
• New places
• Changes in their environment

 Some fears that pre-schoolers experience.

• Fear of the dark
• Monsters and ghosts
• Masks , especially during Halloween, can be very frightening to them
• Animals like dogs or cats

 Some fears that elementary school children experience?       

• Being home alone
• Injury, illness, doctors, shots, or death
• Snakes and spiders
• Fear of teachers who are angry
• Storms and natural disasters
• Scary movies or TV shows
• Fear and rejection

 

How to help ease fears in infants and toddlers?

Parents are able to regulate their child’s emotion by being calm and supportive . Limit the amount of stranger or new places that you leave your child at. Introduce and stay with the child until they adjust. Maintain a predictable routine  to help the child feel secure, create a close and strong bond built on trust by making good eye-contact, talking, holding rocking, singing, and playing.

How do I help ease the fears in pre-schoolers?

For example, spray the monster with water. Keep their door open at night, have a night light and stuffed animal or blanket to give them.  Read them books about fearful monsters or animals.  Expose them to a pet store or zoo to learn about animals and stand back and watch until they are comfortable.  Hire a consistent caring and loving babysitter.

How do I ease the school age fears?

Reassure your child during a storm that they are safe and cuddle with them.Talk about emotions and role play or problem solve what to do when they feel that way.  Screen scary movies or TV that are age appropriate. Talk about doctor appointments ahead of time to relax your child.  Reassure your child that making mistakes in school is part of learning.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful with your child.

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