Ten Again – Finding my Inner Child

Recently I was in a local bookstore, browsing while my little guy was looking for his latest read.  I stumbled across a book focusing on helping you get married within the year.  I giggled loud enough for people to glance my way.  Why would anyone want a legally binding contract with someone they barely knew, assuming the book wasn’t targeted at people already engaged or in a long relationship where marriage has been elusive?  I hesitated for a moment until curiosity got the best of me and I opened it.

I noticed the book recommended that you to get out there if you expect to meet someone.  Duh.  I flipped to the middle of the book and right to a chapter that talked about getting in touch with your inner ten year old.  Intrigued, I began to read.  Basically it talked about how to find out who you really are by thinking back to when you were ten years old.  What brought you joy? Utter genius!  My son came back and we left the store, but the idea stuck.

My youngest child is ten.  It’s such a magical age.  Still innocent, yet old enough to have a solid sense of self and the world at large.  So I thought back to when I was that age.

In the Summer, I loved to watch the boys play competitive baseball at the local park.  I spent every available hour outside playing with the neighborhood boys, riding my bike around town, and countless hours on my roller skates, and tumbling around the front yard.  At recess I flipped around and around on the monkey bars until the bell rang.  I hung out with the girls I had known since first grade, and we giggled and went on adventures.  I survived the awful Chicago winters by watching football with my dad and by reading.  Hours and hours and hours of reading.  I scored in the 99th percentile for reading and writing in Fifth grade.

During my marriage, I lost this girl.  I rarely spent time doing anything but working, cleaning, and taking care of kids.  I took up running in order to cope.  I never read, and I was addicted to cable news.  I was good at my job, but my career was a distant memory.  I forgot all about my dreams.

I have been single for over 4 years.  I am thrilled to tell you that my lost ten year old is back!  I instinctively returned to who I had always been!  I go to professional baseball games as often as I can.  I spend football season watching my favorite teams with anyone willing to sit with me.  I love to play with boys, ride my bike, and you can find my roller blades in the back of my truck.  I go to the gym and do handstands, pull ups, and balance work.  I cherish my girl friend time.  I READ again!  Fiction and nonfiction, there is always a stack of books by my bed.  And of course, I write.  A lot.

I am a responsible adult, yet my inner child is alive and well.  I wonder how far away people are from the ten year old that they were.  How much happier would you be if you took a few minutes and asked yourself what was important then.  How different are you really?  I didn’t grow up in the happiest household, but I remember what made me happy.  I remember what made the chaos bearable.

My guess is that JOY is pretty simple to find.  What made you happy then will make you happy now.  Does it matter if you want to get married or not?  I don’t remember wanting to be married at that age, but I remember the girls that did.  They were the ones who played with Barbie and Ken for hours.

Excuse me while I go spend some time outside in the sun!  It’s time to play for a while.

 

Ever Wish You Were Someone Else? Learn to be Content

Competition in the workplace and sports makes people better.

Competition in everyday life can make people bitter.

Why can’t we just run our own race?  Why can’t we work together to achieve prosperity, harmony, and community?  Why must we always size each other up, establish a social pecking order, and then spend valuable time and energy tearing each other down in order to make ourselves feel better?

We are commanded not to covet, yet we spend most of our waking hours comparing ourselves to others.  We fall short of our own expectations mainly because we are so wrapped up in someone else’s version of what makes life worth living.  Our self esteem is dependent on our bank account, what we wear, the car we drive, and where we live.  There is always someone who has more, to encourage our wasteful consumerism and drive us mad.

Everything is relative.  Woman process thoughts such as “she is prettier,” “she has a nicer body,” “she has a wealthy husband,” “her kids are perfect,” or “she seems to have no problems.”  Men process thoughts such as “He has a hot girlfriend,” “he has the nicer car,” “he has better toys,” “a bigger house,” or “a more lucrative career.”   Why do we romanticize others?  Perhaps the media has convinced us that to be happy we need more of everything.  As if there was a such thing as a perfect life!

Blessed is the individual who can stop and say, “My life is awesome. I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need.”  Gratefulness leads to contentment.  Contentment creates harmony and balance.  Isn’t that what we really desire?

When you start to feel down because you believe you don’t measure up try some of these suggestions:

• Work each day on becoming the best you can be.
• Make decisions that are right for you and the ones you love.
• Focus on the beauty of the here and now.
• Consider all that you have and count your blessings daily.
• Catch yourself when you start to compare and ask yourself; “why does it matters how others are doing?”  Listen carefully to your own answers.

Saying the silent “thank you” when you wake up in the morning is quite possibly the best way to start your day.

Next time you find yourself wishing you were someone else for the things they have, stop for a moment and wonder what you may not see.  Perhaps that beautiful woman has a tragedy in her family.  Perhaps that rich husband is a horrible control freak.  Perhaps that big house is a few months from foreclosure.  Perhaps those perfect kids do drugs with their buddies.  Perhaps that financially successful person is spiritually bankrupt.   We can’t see behind the closed doors and we haven’t walked in the other persons shoes.  We view life through a lens tainted with our version of what is desirable.

So when you find yourself coveting, remember…

Perhaps they wish they were you!

Skip the Online Dating, Let’s Get Married!

Youpid, a self funded startup founded by entrepreneur Ruchika Abbi in Mumbai, India, takes the old concept of arranged marriages into the high tech era.  This site is solely dedicated to your single minded pursuit of finding a marriage partner and doesn’t even allude to the possibility of just a little casual dating first.  This may make perfect sense in India, the land of arranged marriages and powerful family values, but may come across as a little too forward as it comes to the United States.

The idea is to use your social friend network you’ve already built on Facebook or other sites to jumpstart your Youpid network.  Of course there are “friends” and there are “Facebook friends.”  How much personal information do you really want to share in your quest to settle down?

Unlike traditional online dating, Youpid requires you to actively involve your social network friends in your dating…or “matrimonial” process.  There are two basic profiles to select, “cupids” and “singles.”

Cupids join solely to become matchmakers for their friends but the features are fairly limited.  It’s more of a passive role as they can only introduce friends when asked to do so by other members.

Singles join for the more obvious reason of looking for love everlasting in the hope their friends will hook them up.  You send out invitations to join your Youpid network and hope people will accept either as a “single” or a “cupid.”

Currently you can’t change between cupid and single without changing your email.  On the other hand, if you find yourself suddenly single you may be inclined to do that anyway.  Incidentally, creating multiple accounts violates Youpid’s terms of service.

It’s free to join Youpid while it’s still in beta (testing phase) and they’re ironing out the bugs.  Youpid claims not to share or misuse all the personal information they will collect from you and they promise to “strive to cancel your account” within a week or so if you email them with a request to do so.  Maybe not fast enough if your newly found marriage partner is prone to jealousy.

Youpid doesn’t raid your email list or friends list and automatically spam them without your permission, which is a good thing as most of us don’t regularly screen our contacts or Facebook friends list, but Youpid will be more than happy to let you send out invitations to anyone you wish.  Just be aware that once you turn your social networking site into your personal dating database it may affect your friend count.

Youpid takes an old concept of meeting your future spouse through friendly introductions and matches it to modern technology.  It’s not necessarily something you can’t do without the aid of the Youpid software but it certainly makes it easier and makes your intentions clearer.  Despite what your ultimate goals in online dating may be, a little tweaking of the premise from a matrimonial site down to a dating or matchmaking concept would go a long way to making Youpid more culturally acceptable here in the western world.

So You Want to Win your Ex Back?

Or do you?

 

If you’ve recently suffered a break up you may be teetering on the hope of reuniting with your loved one.  Despite the fact that your relationship has ended you may be looking to re-connect with your ex.  You may be wondering how can I get him back.  It’s not as hard as you might think but I implore you to evaluate before proceeding.

Why did your relationship end in the first place?  Before trying to win back an ex step back and understand what caused your relationship to change.  Did you become complacent in your relationship?  Were you authentic from the beginning or were you trying to become someone you weren’t in order to avoid being alone?  Relationships sometimes have a shelf life and re-engaging may not be in your best interest.

Think long and hard as to why your relationship ended and realistically assess whether you really want your ex back or whether you just don’t want to be alone.  If after your assessment you still decide you want your ex back here are some tips that really work.

1. No Contact – Don’t call, text or plead with your ex.  These are normal reactions but actually kill your chances of winning back your ex.  Don’t panic, calm down and realize that if you don’t put some distance between you and your ex you will solidify the break up.  Remember don’t call text, Facebook or go to his familiar haunts.  If you don’t follow this most important tip you may anger you ex to the point of no return.  Give yourself at least 30 days before you contact your ex.
2. Reality Check – Spend some time evaluating your life without the relationship.  Spend some time on you.  Exercise, get healthy, and start developing hobbies and interest outside of men and relationships.  Commit to having a life for yourself and spend more time with your girlfriends.  Men want to contribute to your happiness but don’t want to be responsible for it.  Evaluate the quality of the relationship by removing the emotional elements and look solely at the facts.  Do a pro’s and cons’s list and see which list is longer.  If after careful reflection you decide the relationship is worth salvaging then move onto tip 3.
3. Get your Ex back - In order to move forward and get your relationship back on track you will need to bring back attraction, romance and connection.  You will have to renew his feelings of desirability and love.  Dating other people casually is a way to make your ex realize what he is missing.  It is also a great way to boost your confidence and take your mind off your ex.  It shows your ex that your are confident, desirable and ready to move on (In other words— it totally ups your stock).
4. Take your time - Enjoy your life and commit to taking it slow and remember when you believe in yourself others will too.  A Big smile and self-confidence is sexier than any Victoria Secret lingerie you put on.  People love to be around people who are low maintenance and make them feel better about themselves.

Breakups are always hard, especially if you have been with someone for a long time.  If you proceed with these steps you stand a good chance to win your ex back.  Please make sure you want them back for the right reasons.  Being alone can be hard but you just may find what you have been searching for… the real you.

A man is not a plan!

No one expects to be alone in their 40′s and 50′s. As I look around me, it seems that more and more people struggling to find the love that seems to elude many of us. This article takes a look at the serious side as well as the humorous side of being single and set in your ways!

I was having a chat with a colleague and good friend of mine about life and how our upbringings had shaped our views on relationships with the opposite sex.  We come from completely different backgrounds and experiences, but both struggled with dating, marriage, and relationships post divorce.  It made me really think about the expectations we set for ourselves and others.  For those of you who have followed my blogs, you know that I am hell-bent on doing things differently in order to elicit different results.  This has required a tremendous amount of reflection and redirection in attitude and thinking.

Chivalry is not Dead! A Story of Internet Dating

As a florist here in Phoenix, I hear some amazing stories.  This one is of a man who demonstrated how modern technology and internet dating has not destroyed old fashioned chivalry.

I can’t begin to tell you how happy our awesome clients have made me recently!  There is a gentleman who recently relocated to Arizona.  After retiring from the restaurant business last year he choose to move closer to his family.  One of those family members talked him into trying to find a companion using the most amazing tool called the Internet.  Each time he had a meeting for coffee he would stop by and get two white roses.  He would give her one when they met, and another as the meeting was coming to a close.  A few days later he would be back again, getting two more white roses, and tell us many of the pitfalls of internet dating.  And man did he have some great stories!  If you have, or know anyone that has tried this, you know that as my grandmother once told my sister, you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince.

In a city as big as Phoenix, we florists hear a lot of stories, some good, some not so great.  But hearing of a gentleman who wanted to take flowers to meet a new lady was refreshing in this chaotic and hustle bustle life we live in.  I am happy to report that he now has finally found someone and has met with her several times.  He has moved up to yellow roses which represent friendship.

I hope one day soon he will be getting two red roses, which represent love for this lucky lady!  In today’s modern world of internet dating, writing this brings a smile to my face and proves to me that chivalry is not dead!

 

Body Language is Crucial for Dating

It’s surprising how many people forget when dating that 79 precent of all communication is non verbal.  When you go out on a date do you know what your body is communicating to the opposite sex?  Here are a few tips that will make you appear more confident in the dating scene.

Appropriate Eye Contact

Making eye contact with your date is crucial to appearing confident, but eye contact must be done correctly.  If you avoid eye contact it will make you appear nervous, scared, and possibly not trustworthy.  If you gaze at someone you’ve just met for more than ten seconds it may come across as a stalker stare and it make your date feel uncomfortable.  Making eye contact with someone during a conversation is essential but just don’t continually stare without occasionally looking away.

Smile

Flashing your pearly whites is a powerful way to put people at ease.  Studies have shown that more than just babies are attracted to people who smile.  Have you ever noticed how some people can light up a room with a smile?  A smile is your most important accessory as it conveys confidence, warmth and approachability.  Smiling has also been shown to reduce your personal stress and elevate your mood and smiling at someone almost always causes them to smile back.

Don’t Fidget

Nothing says fear and lack of self confidence than fidgeting.  Some common fidgeting habits to avoid are shaking your leg, tapping your fingers, twirling your hair or other fidgety movements.  Kind of like that person in the office who drinks too much coffee.  Fidgeting is a turn-off to a potential mate.

Don’t Cross Your Arms

Keeping your body locked up like Fort Knox will keep you from a second date.  Don’t cross your arms as that can make you appear guarded or competitive.  Leaning back in your chair with arms unfolded makes you appear to be relaxed.

Don’t Slouch

Slouching forward can make you look lazy and unconfident.  Make a point of standing up straight or sitting tall with your back straight as it will make you appear to be more confident even when you may not be.  At the same time try to relax when you stand or sit and not tense up as being too rigid will just make you appear scared or nervous.

Making a conscious effort to control these simple habits will allow you to reap great benefits when it comes to your love life, your self confidence, and even your health.  Always be aware of your body language even when not on a date as you never know who may be watching.  It could just be the one.

Taking a swing at Barbie

Little girls play with plastic dolls. Little men play with plastic women.

Let me explain…

When girls are young, they are given plastic dolls to play with that emulate the perfect female form…one that does not exist in nature, but in the imagination of men.

We spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to that ideal.

The “lucky” girls have moms who dress them perfectly, and they grow up being given special treatment because they have the right hair, the right clothes, the best figure.  They don’t learn how to lean on a sense of humor, develop a curiosity for literature or arts, or take a particular interest in anything that isn’t directly related to their appearance to the outside world.  They become a Barbie doll.  Beautiful to the eye, but empty inside.  Air between the ears and cold hard plastic in bed.

The rest of us, the majority, didn’t quite match up.  We developed a wit to laugh off our pain of rejection.  We cultivated passions when we realized we weren’t going to be nominated for Homecoming court.  We played sports because it was fun and we learned how to lean on each other and play as a team.

We then became women, mothers, professionals, and best friends.  That’s when we became beautiful… inside and out.  We struggle in midlife with the labels.  We are so much more that a man’s show piece, but men are afraid of us.  Many are terrified to go toe to toe with a smart, beautiful female who has opinions and ideas that are independent of theirs…

Real relationships with real women are too hard.  If they took the time and a little effort they would realize that we are caretakers at heart and we are tough as nails, yet still that vulnerable little girl who never did match up.  We don’t want money or possessions, we want to laugh and play and be challenged!

Part of me would love to get Barbie in that boxing ring and mess up her nose but good.  Mostly though, I just feel sorry for her because she is lonely and empty, wondering why everyone else seems to be having a good time, and she is going in to have yet another procedure done. Sad really….

My heart goes out the Barbies of the world, and the men who are bent on owning them.  They dress them up, show them off, then discard them when they become bored and needy.  There is a newer, younger model available at any given time.

A girl’s life is about so much more than plastic dolls and Barbie…it just is.

 

Avoiding the Friend Zone

We’ve all been there – when you like a guy who treats you like one of the guys or who treats you like his kid sister.  You have a strong friendship and bond but you really want more.  How do you get him to take notice and avoid the friend zone?  Here are a few strategies to help you get noticed and avoid the “just friends” fate, and get him to see you in a different light.

 

Get Him Alone

Getting your guy alone is the first step towards changing his preconceived notions about you.  Ask him out for a drink or have him come to your house for assistance of some kind such as leaking faucet, computer issues or some other issues.  The key here is to get him alone away from others who help keep you stereo typed in that friend zone.  One-on-one time with your guy will give him the opportunity to view you in a different light.

Stand out

It’s important to stand out when you are in your group so that he will view you as something special.  Make an extra effort on your hair, make-up and wardrobe, it’s important for him to view you differently.  Put on your sparkle, speak up, smile and laugh, make yourself the center of attention.  Make yourself effortless and fun to be with.  Set yourself apart from the group and let him see your personality come through.  Do things that allow him to see your talents and skill sets.  Show your sense of humor and bring some levity to your relationship.  Make a concentrated effort to stand out in a flattering light.

Find a Common Bond

Finding a common bond is crucial to a relationship.  Opposites may attract but eventually they will repel.  The more bonds you have in common the better chance you have as a couple.  Couples that play together stay together.  Enjoy hobbies together such as hiking, biking and traveling.  The more you can find in common, the easier it will be to create a bond that goes beyond where you both work or what group of friends you hang out with.

Get your Flirt On

You may have to step up your game when it comes to flirting as he has seen you in a different light.  Some guys need a two by four across the head to get your point across.  You can only hope he notices you for so long before you need to up the ante and use your best moves on him. Touch his arm, laugh at his jokes and do everything you can to make it seem like the two of you have a special connection. Changing your wardrobe and hair and body language will definitely make you stand out and get his attention.

 Confess your feelings

The last resort may be that you have to tell him how you feel.  You have to be prepared for the consequences however, there may be a risk that he may not share your feelings and wants to stand in the “Friends Zone.”  It could also be the bold move he needed to be sure that he was picking up the right signals as he might have been confused and afraid.  It’s a bold move but it will give you both clarity and help you to move forward.

 

Valentine’s Day gift ideas for a high tech world

Valentine’s Day gift decisions are hard enough but if you’re looking to buy something special for your high tech Valentine you may feel completely lost.  Considering the fleeting nature of technology you have to consider that whatever you buy this year will most likely be shelved in twelve months for the next big thing.  It may seem pointless but technology gifts are still among the most coveted and appreciated, especially for those true tech lovers among us.

Most people don’t have huge expectations for Valentine’s Day gifts but if you have some money to spare and you want to get something fun then consider an inexpensive tablet, a new TV, or a subscription to Netflix.  Tablets sit comfortably across that line between cameras and smartphones so not everyone has one.  While the iPad is always popular you may want to look for something in a more affordable price range, especially since Apple may be on the verge of releasing a major upgrade.  Amazon’s Kindle Fire is extremely popular and for about a third the cost of an average iPad it’s a far better value for casual couch web surfing and reading.   The Fire runs a proprietary interface on top of Google’s popular and robust Android Operating System and while there are some limitations Amazon imposes to steer you toward their own products, the Fire is still a very capable and useful tablet that offers fun and entertainment as well as practical usefulness.  A Valentine’s Day gift should always be fun.

A new TV is always a favorite Valentine’s Day gift for any tech nut.  It’s difficult to recommend a specific television since prices fluctuate daily.  The optimal screen size should be more a function of room size rather than ego but TV features and technology have advanced considerably and a new TV is almost certainly going to bring a smile to anyone who doesn’t have the latest and greatest.  Plazma is no longer something you need to steer clear of and offers far better contrast ratio than LCD screens.  Smart TVs with built in WiFi are the way to go these days.  You can watch streamed movies, TV episodes, and video clips from popular services like Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu directly on the set.  The good news is that even many of the least expensive sets have these features as standard so you don’t need to sell your car anymore for a large flat screen TV.  As far as screen size, consider this basic formula:  Five inches per foot.  So if the sofa is ten feet from the screen, look for something in the 50″ range.  It also depends a lot on the available space, your budget, and how good your eyesight is so it’s not a hard and fast rule.  Also consider a Blue Ray disc player for those who already have the TV of their dreams.  Most disc players also have WiFi and can make a great and inexpensive upgrade to a good TV that doesn’t have those “smart” features.  In any case, you will enjoy many romantic evenings watching theater quality movies in your living room.

Don’t forget a subscription to Netflix or a gift card to Amazon for the movie enthusiast who prefers to stream or download movies rather than collecting actual discs.

Although high tech toys are likely to be obsolete and superseded by the latest and greatest we haven’t seen yet, they are still appreciated as Valentine’s Day gifts and certainly have a longer shelf life than flowers or candy and can be shared and enjoyed together for the coming year.

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